


And I Breathe Disaster (Ever After)

by JonathanGroffing (msrogersstark)



Category: Broadway RPF
Genre: Andrew is everyone's best friend, Anxiety, Blow Jobs, Developing Relationship, Gavin is like really sad, Lin/Jonathan if you squint, M/M, Panic Attacks, rating/tags to change as the story progresses, references to previous Jonathan/Gavin relationships, various awardshows
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-06-20
Updated: 2017-07-05
Packaged: 2018-11-16 09:14:11
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 10,852
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11250099
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/msrogersstark/pseuds/JonathanGroffing
Summary: “He’s your type,” Andrew interrupts, waving at Aaron who blushes.“He’s tall, pretty, and fresh out of the closet.” Gavin deadpans.“Well your relationship history is not proving me wrong,” Andrew smirks, gesturing at Jonathan, who is currently hanging off of Lin-Manuel Miranda.





	1. So Soon

**Author's Note:**

> If you haven't seen the video that this story refers to... get on it and you'll thank me later. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=43gvHOOrFSo  
> Basically there is nothing for this fandom anywhere and they practically makeout in the video so I'm hoping this is a worthy addition to the one other fic in this fandom I've seen  
> My apologies for how angsty gavin is cuz idk if that's really how he acts but I wanted him to be sad even though he is my love so I'm sorry. Next chapter it gets much less angsty and much more flirty :) The timeline is also very vague I'm sorry in advance.  
> \--  
> Title: Ever After, Marianas Trench  
> \--  
> PS Jonathan Groff is so dear to my heart, I love him and I never want to hurt him he's just a dick for this story to move the plot but I swear he is a ray of sunshine

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Title: So Soon by Marianas Trench

In hindsight, dating Broadway’s biggest up-and-coming star of the time probably wasn’t Gavin’s greatest idea ever. Actually, dating him was quite nice; the breaking up was the part that Gavin should have avoided all together. There were many things about dating Jonathan Groff that he should have avoided all together. However, being a Broadway star himself, it meant that Gavin had to constantly run into his ex-boyfriend. Whether it was at the coffee shop across from his theatre, where Jonathan seemed to take all of the young men he was fucking, or even in Central Park, _which is fucking huge_ , Gavin thinks every time he jogs past Jonathan doing yoga. But at least at Central Park Gavin could pretend that he didn’t know it was Jonathan Fucking Groff he’d just run past. At awards shows and galas, it was a different story, especially at this particular gala, where the organizers had seated Jonathan at the table directly in his line of sight to the stage.

“You are staring daggers into the back of that poor man’s head, Gav.” Andrew comments between presenters.

“He’s not a poor man.” Gavin gripes back but turns his gaze instead to the opposite side of the room, where Aaron is making eyes at him. “Shit.”

Andrew raises his eyebrows and follows Gavin’s gaze. “Only you would think it’s bad that Aaron Tveit is making eyes at you.”

“It’s not bad,” Gavin defends helplessly, “I just-“

“He’s your type,” Andrew interrupts, waving at Aaron who blushes.

“He’s tall, pretty, and fresh out of the closet.” Gavin deadpans.

“Well your relationship history is not proving me wrong,” Andrew smirks, gesturing at Jonathan, who is currently hanging off of Lin-Manuel Miranda.

“Does he have to flirt with literally everyone he’s ever met?” Gavin complains, but his question goes unanswered as they are called up to the buffet. Probably for the best anyway.

Except then, Gavin ends up in line behind Jonathan and Lin. Mentally cursing himself, Gavin isn’t prepared when Jonathan turns around and gives him the fakest, most controlled smile that Gavin has ever seen him give, and they’d dated for a year. Gavin might be an actor but even his training can’t prepare him for the smile and he stands there, flustered.

“Oh hi, Gavin!” Jonathan coos, reaching out to touch his shoulder. Gavin hopes his flinch isn’t overly visible. “Have you met Lin?”

Lin, for his sake, has seemed to figure out that Jonathan isn’t actually smiling and that Gavin looks fucking terrified so he quickly holds his hand out. “I don’t believe we have. It’s a pleasure to meet you.”

Gavin grabs Lin’s hand like a lifeline and stutters out, “Nice to meet you too.”

He drops Lin’s hand and takes a large step back, putting himself out of Jonathan’s reach. Jonathan, who has truly never been anything but sweet in his entire life, starts to make small talk about Lin’s show and Gavin does his best to answer, while simultaneously trying to figure out why the dinner line isn’t moving. He’s saved from having to discuss just what exactly makes the role of King George so special when the line fucking finally moves and he can eat something.

 

“This dessert is fucking delicious,” Andrew grins at him, holding a lemon square out to him, “but somehow it’s not making you any less bitter.”

Gavin rolls his eyes and pushes his chocolate cake around on his plate with his fork. He can hear Jonathan and Lin laughing from their table.

“Maybe dumping him was a bad idea, we could have-” Gavin starts but then drops it; ducking away from the look Andrew gives him.

“Babe, you were miserable.” Andrew says bluntly, “And you broke up enough years ago that you need to move on.”

Gavin throws down his napkin with more force than necessary, “I’m going to the bathroom.” No one has ever said he isn’t a drama queen.

 

Gavin is just staring at himself in the mirror when the bathroom door opens and Jonathan walks in. This time though, Gavin is prepared and Jonathan is not and it takes him about three seconds to school a smile onto his face. Gavin continues to look in the mirror, keeping his breathing as steady as he can, while Jonathan does his business and then comes and stands next to him at the sink. Jonathan makes eye contact with him in the mirror.

“So, are you fucking Lin yet, or just playing with him first?” Gavin spits out, going for scathing but it comes out more desperately than he would have hoped. He can see the impact in Jonathan’s eyes for a split second before it’s gone, hidden behind Jonathan’s façade.

“Lin is straight, and married.” Jonathan glares at him, shaking his hands in the sink and reaching for the paper towels.

 _Hasn’t stopped you before_ , Gavin thinks, but doesn’t say it because he doesn’t truly doesn’t want to hurt Jonathan and he can feel the anxiety boiling up inside him. He needs to end this, quick.

“Besides, you’re one to talk,” Jonathan adds, feeding off Gavin’s silence. “Everyone on the Internet knows that you and Aaron Tveit almost made out on the stage after you sang that song from Rent.”

“Acting,” Gavin says quietly, except Jonathan is right, he still can’t get the image of Aaron shaking his hips in front of him, or the feeling of being pressed up against him in those tight, revealing jeans, out of his head. And if it ever left his mind, YouTube could remind him in a heartbeat.

“Whatever floats your boat,” Jonathan winks, “Have a good night.”

The door shuts behind him and Gavin is three seconds away from a panic attack when Andrew stalks in.

“You have a really bad track-record when it comes to running into your ex boyfriend.” Andrew says but Gavin barely hears him over the blood rushing in his ears. He grips the sink harder.

“Gavin,” Andrew is beside him now, a hand resting on his shoulder, “I need you to breathe for me.”

Something in Gavin loosens slightly, the warmth from Andrew’s hand seeping through his body but he still can’t force himself to calm down. The door opens again and Gavin thinks that he’d rather never sing again than face the man who is at the door. Except, it’s Aaron. Something about his presence- the way that Andrew straightens up slightly or the way that Aaron was clearly mid sentence in a conversation with someone in the hallway when he came in- is the distraction that Gavin’s lungs need to start fucking working again and he slumps against the sink. Andrew takes a step back and says quietly, “I’ll meet you back at the table.” He waits a beat, checking to make sure that Gavin isn’t going to start panicking again, but all Gavin can see is Aaron and it’s overwhelming. Andrew leaves and Aaron looks the door, meeting his gaze and the night of Miscast comes flooding back. The adrenaline of performing that number, the way he threw himself into it, the way that Aaron’s lips looked inches from his own, and then the way that they felt against his own in the dressing room between their number and the next. The feeling of Aaron’s cock pressed up against his own as the rutted against each other like teenagers, trying to get each other off before they had to be back on stage. Aaron was ‘straight’ but the look on his face when he came was a picture of pure bliss he hadn’t felt since- since the early months he dated Jonathan. That memory brought him crashing back to reality and he realized that Aaron had crossed the room to stand next to him.

“Are you okay?” Aaron asks quietly, seemingly unsure if what he’s saying will help.

“I’m great.” Gavin sighs and takes in the sight of Aaron. Everyone looks nice tonight, but Aaron is fucking glowing, three-piece suit showing everything he has to offer. _Which is a lot_ , Gavin thinks.

Aaron chuckles awkwardly, likely because Gavin is obviously not great and when Gavin looks at himself, he knows there’s no way that he can set foot in that ballroom without arousing suspicion. He does not need his anxiety disorder on the front page of Broadway.com.

“Here,” Aaron reaches out and straightens Gavin’s tie, before nimble fingers come up and help push his hair back into the coiffed arrangement that Gavin normally wears. Despite having Aaron this close again, Gavin doesn’t feel flustered. Instead, he feels calmer, relaxed even. Aaron uses a paper towel to blot much of the sweat off of Gavin’s forehead and then steps back to admire his handiwork.

“There you go,” Aaron grins at him, “handsome as always.”

“Thank you,” Gavin gives him a soft smile in return, the first genuine one he’s had all night. “I’m- I’m sorry that I never called you, after Miscast-“

“It’s fine.” Aaron shrugs but he doesn’t meet Gavin’s gaze.

“I thought you were straight, and I was also really fucking worried that you were caught up in acting gay and I-“

“You didn’t want to get hurt,” Aaron finishes, “I understand, I also thought I was straight.”

“I still should have called,” Gavin bites his lip, realizing that he’s been in here way too long and it’s going to seem suspicious.

“Look, whatever went down between you and Groff, and don’t tell me there wasn’t anything because I watched you tonight and I saw the conversation you had at the buffet, if it was real, it takes time to get over. I’ve been there.” Aaron says quietly, “And I’ve also realized a lot about myself since that night, I know I’m not straight. But you don’t have to justify why you didn’t sleep with me that night, it’s your choice.”

Gavin takes a breath and starts to respond but Aaron plows right on through, “I don’t know what he did to you, or what you did to him, but you’re better than what happened, I barely know you, and I know that. So don’t let him stop you from finding the one who is actually right for you.”

 _It’s you,_ Gavin thinks but he can’t bring himself to say it. Instead he says, “My, aren’t you insightful today.” And fucking winks too.

“There we go,” Aaron smirks, “That’s the Gavin I know.” He leans in, pressing his lips to Gavin’s cheek.

“By the way,” Aaron calls to him as Gavin heads for the door, “Andrew told me you still have my number in your phone. Use it.”

“You got it, Tveit.” Gavin lets the door swing shut behind him and heads back to the table to fucking murder Andrew.


	2. Body Say

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Are you in bed?” Gavin asks and then wants to split his head open against the concrete wall he’s leaning against. “Uh I mean-“  
> “Oh that’s where we’re going with this?” Aaron clearly sounds amused at Gavin’s flustered breathing on the other end.   
> “That’s not what I meant.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry this took so long I was finding the courage to write smut but at least there's some smut in this chapter.   
> \--  
> Chapter title: Body Say by Demi Lovato  
> \--  
> Mistakes are mine :)  
> \--  
> The rating has changed so please take note!

Andrew, predictably, drags Gavin out for drinks after the awards show. The alcohol is a welcome confidence builder, as he has to figure out how to text Aaron. Still, Andrew is a much more eager drinker than Gavin and he’s downed about 5 shots to Gavin’s 2 before they’ve even been at the bar for an hour. Andrew picked, again predictably, a gay bar, so that he can attempt to pick up and Gavin can unhappily fend off advances from people who absolutely have no interest in anything other than a one-night stand. Andrew is a TV star now, he can do one-night stands, but Gavin finds them tedious at the best of times, and downright impossible on nights that he has to wake up and be back on stage in 4 hours. Tomorrow he has nowhere to be but Andrew is doing enough flirting for the both of them so he pulls out his phone as he nurses his fruity cocktail at the bar. Gavin doesn’t like using his phone and he doesn’t get how he’s supposed to flirt over text so he forces out a quick **Hey** before following it directly up with **it’s gavin by the way** in case Aaron hasn’t spent the last two hours thinking about Gavin the way Gavin has been thinking about Aaron. He downs the rest of his drink and turns his phone over so he won’t know when it lights up. The bartender brings him another drink and gives him a quick once over. Gavin gives him a flat smile, one that doesn’t reach his eyes and swivels on his chair to figure out where Andrew disappeared to. It turns out that he has moved on to the dance floor, which is embarrassing. Andrew is a clumsy dancer when he’s sober and the alcohol certainly doesn’t improve his footwork. Still, there are a few guys watching him from the edge of the floor. Andrew meets his gaze and gives him a thumbs up, the sign they’ve created to say that they don’t need the other one to swoop in and save them from flirting gone wrong. They’ve been playing each other’s fake boyfriend for as long as Gavin can remember. Normally it’s Andrew saving him from someone who doesn’t catch on to Gavin’s blatant words and glaring eye rolls. Gavin doesn’t have to save Andrew as often, Andrew is generally more interested in the attention, like now, where one of the earlier guys has moved in and started dancing next to Andrew.

Gavin turns back to the bar, flags down the female bartender and orders something stronger and turns his phone back over.

 **Hey cutie** Aaron has responded, over two minutes ago, Gavin notices. He has zero idea what to do next.

Aaron seems to read into that somehow and follows up his last text with

**What’s up?**

The male bartender from earlier sets down a drink next to Gavin’s practically full one and winks at him.

 **Fending off advances from the bartender at some bar that Andrew dragged me to.** Gavin responds, figuring candor is really the best option here.

 **I’m sure you are ;)** Aaron responds, leaving Gavin helpless for how to respond. Andrew would know how to but he’s otherwise occupied so Gavin throws down money for his drinks and heads out onto the street. He dials Aaron’s number.

“Oh hello,” Aaron sounds surprised but pleased when he answers.

“I’m really bad at using my phone so I figured I’d call you,” Gavin responds hastily.

“I’m good with that,” Gavin can here Aaron shifting around on the other end of the line.

“Are you in bed?” Gavin asks and then wants to split his head open against the concrete wall he’s leaning against. “Uh I mean-“

“Oh that’s where we’re going with this?” Aaron clearly sounds amused at Gavin’s flustered breathing on the other end.

“That’s not what I meant.” Gavin says slowly and then thinks _fuck this, I can flirt_ and adds, “I was going to say you should come down here at keep me company.”

“Well I can’t say no to that,” Aaron grins, “Where are you?”

Gavin tells him the name of the bar and waits on the other end of the line while Aaron books an uber. Once Aaron is on his way, Gavin ducks back into the bar to wait for him and to make sure that Andrew hasn’t been drugged and dragged away. Instead, Gavin finds that Andrew has secured a booth with the guy he was dancing with earlier and Gavin makes his way over.

“Gaaavin!” Andrew calls when he gets nearer and the man he’s sitting with tightens his grip around Andrew’s shoulders.

“Hi Andrew,” Gavin responds, doing his best not the glare at the man with his arm around his best friend’s shoulders. “Are you having a good time?”  
“Oh the best.” Andrew nods resolutely and shoots the man next to them a flirty smile. “This is Jack by the way.”

Gavin nods at the man and sits down across the booth from them.

“Gav.” Andrew says and he furrows his brow, “Seriously, we need to help you pick up!”

“Aaron’s coming.” Gavin responds as if that’s a good enough answer.

Andrew’s eyebrows shoot up, “Oh wow, I need to make you drink more often.”

“He’s coming because I thought you were never going to leave the dance floor.”

“Sure Gav.” Andrew reaches across the table to pet Gavin’s arm and then turns back to Jack.

Gavin takes Andrew’s momentary distraction to text Aaron.

**We’re at the back of the bar. Andrew is drunk, I’m warning you now.**

**Are you drunk?** He gets back immediately.

**No.**

**Well then we’ll have to fix that, won’t we** **;)**

Gavin wants to hit his head on the table but Aaron adds **I’m here** and Gavin steels himself for what is about to happen.

 

Aaron, the bastard, looks gorgeous as usual. He’s got a dark blue Henley on and what Gavin thinks could be the same pants that he wore in Take Me or Leave Me. They aren’t, Gavin’s brain helpfully supplies, since they both ruined theirs afterwards. That’s the thought that Gavin is worriedly focused on when Aaron slides into the booth next to him.

“Hey you,” Gavin smirks as Aaron presses up against his side and Gavin boldly slips his arm around Aaron’s shoulders.

“Hi,” Aaron beams at him and then turns to take in the rest of the booth.

Andrew looks way to smug upon seeing the two of them and Gavin shoots him a glare while Aaron preoccupies himself with introducing himself to Jack. Jack, for his sake, doesn’t seem overly interested in anyone at the table except Andrew and Aaron quickly moves on to his primary goal, alcohol.

“Since I’m playing catch-up, I’ll get the next round.” Aaron announces and stands up, Gavin immediately missing his warmth.

Gavin gets up too, figuring he might as well at least help carry the drinks and he catches Jack moving closer to Andrew.

“I’m sorry for them.” He says, speaking loudly to be heard of the music that has certainly just been turned up about 10 decibels.

“I’m honestly just here for you,” Aaron responds, “And alcohol.”

Gavin laughs and leans against the bar at Aaron’s side as he orders a couple rounds of shots for the table. While Aaron is preoccupied, Gavin looks out at the bar and immediately feels like he’s being watched. Except, it’s not him, it’s Aaron. Gavin turns his head slightly and admires the way Aaron’s hair catches the disco lights and the sound his laugh makes when the bartender says something funny. It fills Gavin with warmth and he realizes two things. Firstly, he wants this forever and secondly, he wants it to be _his_ forever. Only his. A cold feeling of possessiveness washes over him and he moves closer to Aaron, just as the shots are ready. As they walk back to the booth, Gavin’s hand finds the small of Aaron’s back and he helps guide them back to the booth. Aaron doesn’t say anything but when they sit back down and Gavin’s arm returns around Aaron’s shoulders, more possessively this time, Aaron wraps the arm closest to Gavin around his hips. They both do a couple of shots, the last one of which has Gavin choking as it burns all the way down. Aaron laughs at him and Gavin finds himself wanting to kiss the smile off of his face, wanting to taste the tang of tequila on Aaron’s lips. Once he’s got his breathing under control, Gavin leans back against the booth and Aaron moves impossibly closer to whisper in his ear.

“So what, you don’t do bars like you don’t do texting?” Aaron asks cheekily.

“Precisely.” Gavin sticks his tongue out at Aaron and tracks his eyes to Gavin’s lips.

Gavin wets his lips and smirks, causing Aaron to blush and move back a bit. They must be pretty fucking obvious as Andrew, despite his intoxication, decides it’s time for him and Jack to leave. Jack looks pretty happy at finally being able to take Andrew home.

“Call me in the morning,” Gavin calls after Andrew and then turns his full attention back to Aaron.

“You two are pretty close,” Aaron comments and it’s hard to read his expression.

“He’s my best friend,” Gavin says quickly, “That’s all.”

“Good,” Aaron muses and leans in so he’s practically on Gavin’s lap. “I didn’t want to share.”

Gavin takes in the sight in front of him. The bar has become quieter, and he realizes it’s well past 1 am and final call will be soon. The music is still banging and it’s hot as fuck in there but somehow Aaron is all that really matters.

“Do you want to get out of here?” Gavin whispers into Aaron’s ear, making him shiver despite the humidity pressing down on them. He mouths at the skin under Aaron’s ear and he can taste the salt of the sweat on Aaron’s skin.

“Yeah, uh-“ Aaron looks like he’s reaching for coherent words “Yes please.”

Aaron pulls out his phone and Gavin isn’t really sure what he’s doing but he’s in no hurry so instead he kisses Aaron’s neck so more.

“Gav,” Aaron breathes softly, “You’re distracting me.”

 _It’s a perfect sound_ , Gavin thinks. “What are you even doing?”

“Ordering us an Uber.” Aaron mutters.

“We can take the subway like real New Yorkers.”

“You’re from Ohio so shut up.” Aaron retorts and puts his phone in his pocket. “It’ll be here in two minutes.”

Aaron looks down at him from Gavin’s lap where he’s fully arranged himself now and Gavin has always pictured what it would be like to make Aaron come apart beneath him, but this is an interesting angle too. Aaron’s too long hair flops down in front of his face and Gavin moves to push it out of the way.

“You’re so beautiful,” He smiles. Tomorrow he’ll blame it on the alcohol but tonight he doesn’t care. Aaron is beautiful. The blush that graces Aaron’s cheeks makes it twice as worth it.

“Beautiful huh?” Aaron teases but he’s already turning his head away from Gavin’s searching gaze, as if he isn’t told he’s beautiful every single day. Gavin really really wants to fix that.

“Come on, we’ll miss our Uber,” Aaron climbs off of Gavin and takes his hand, pulling him towards the door of the bar.

In an effort to avoid being recognized by the Uber driver while he’s making out with a movie star, Gavin forces himself to sit on his own side of the back seat of the car. Aaron pouts at him the whole drive but it’s worth it when they get to Gavin’s front door, Gavin working hard to open the door while Aaron presses against his back. He gets the door open and then pushes Aaron up against it and then _finally_ presses his lips against Aaron’s. Gavin thought he could have kissed Aaron forever the first time they did this, but it’s completely different now. They aren’t high on adrenaline and Gavin can take his time with Aaron, it feels like a real first kiss, something Gavin hasn’t had in a long time. Gavin uses the slight height advantage he has on Aaron to pull him away from the door and walk him backwards through the apartment.

Aaron breaks the kiss to quip, “Nice place, very clean.” Gavin nips at Aaron’s lower lip in response and pulls away.

“Where are you going?” Aaron whines, crossing his arms, giving Gavin a perfect view of his biceps. Gavin can’t wait to press him into the bed and have his way with him. But, he’s always the responsible one in his relationships so he heads to the kitchen to grab some water and aspirin.

“We’re going to need this in the morning,” Gavin responds as he comes back to where Aaron is peering at the various awards on Gavin’s bookshelf. “And I’m not getting out of bed to come get it.”

“Mmm aren’t you smart?” Aaron lets Gavin take his hand again, “And hot. Where’s your bedroom?”

“Where’s your patience?” Gavin retorts, which gets him a slap on the ass.

“I lost it all when you literally left room for Jesus and some of his friends in the back of that Uber.”

Gavin starts to obnoxiously sing “Hello, my name is Elder Price,” until Aaron shuts him up with a kiss and drags him towards the back of the apartment.

“I don’t know where I’m going,” He says in between kisses, “But I’m going to find your bedroom if I have to look in every room.”

“It’s a two bedroom apartment.” Gavin smirks and pulls Aaron along with him to the far door.

“Voila.” Gavin throws the door open and gestures to his bedroom. “The moment you’ve been waiting for.”

“You might have just succeeded in turning me completely off.” Aaron stops in the doorway and fake glares at Gavin, crossing his arms over his chest.

“Yeah?” Gavin raises his eyebrows, cheeky smile gracing his features as he rakes his eyes down Aaron’s body. “That’s not what it looks like.”

Aaron blushes and in an effort to find out just how far down the color goes, Gavin reaches for him and pulls him into the bedroom, getting his hands around the hem of Aaron’s shirt.

“Just touch me already,” Aaron whines and Gavin obligingly gets Aaron’s shirt off and finally touches the golden skin that is beneath it.

Aaron presses into the touch, especially as Gavin’s hands trail closer to Aaron’s waist. He stops just above the waistline and works his way back up, pushing Aaron towards the bed. Aaron falls back onto the bed and Gavin lets his tongue follow the path his hands made up Aaron’s torso.

“You are a fucking tease, Gavin Creel.” Aaron groans as Gavin’s tongue finds one of Aaron’s nipples and his hips come up off the bed when Gavin lets his teeth scrape across it.

“Someone’s excited,” Gavin comments as he moves across Aaron’s chest. It earns him a smack on the back of his head.

Gavin nips at Aaron’s peck in retaliation but moves down the bed and gets to work on Aaron’s belt, pausing to press the heel of his hand against Aaron’s denim covered bulge. Shedding his shirt in the process, Gavin gets Aaron’s pants and boxers off before sitting back to admire the specimen beneath him.

“Holy fuck, you’re gorgeous.” Gavin observes reverently, noting that Aaron’s blush does indeed spread all the way down to his flushed cock.

Aaron doesn’t shy away from the attention and spreads his legs. “Like what you see?”

Gavin answers by licking a stripe up the underside of Aaron’s dick, circling the head with his tongue and then gets the whole thing in his mouth. Aaron’s hips jerk up; pushing his dick further into Gavin’s mouth and Gavin has to force himself to breathe through his nose. He hollows his cheeks and goes a little bit further, looking up to watch Aaron, who’s head is thrown back, hands clutching the sheets of Gavin’s bed. _It’s a good look._ Gavin has always loved giving head, watching his partner come apart under his mouth. And damn does Aaron look especially good like this. Sweat drips down his tanned skin, pooling in the ridges of his abs. One of Aaron’s hands finds his way into Gavin’s hair and tugs slightly, breaking Gavin out of his reverie and reminding him that he is supposed to be getting Aaron off. He fucking goes for it since he doesn’t have to sing for a couple of days, and swallows him all the way down. He presses one arm across Aaron’s hips, pressing him down into the bed. Aaron’s cock throbs in his mouth and Gavin smirks, mentally registering that for a future event.

“Shit,” Aaron moans, “Gav, I’m so close.”

Gavin hums around Aaron’s dick and he cries out, Gavin’s name falling from his lips as he comes. Gavin swallows as best as he can, but a few drops trickle down onto his chin when he pulls away. He turns to find a washcloth and when he turns back around, Aaron is sitting up watching him.

“You’re definitely not naked enough,” Aaron says, breathing hard and crawls forward to pull Gavin by his belt loops back onto the bed. Aaron does his best to get Gavin’s pants undone, despite his post-orgasm haze, but eventually Gavin has to help him.

“Get over here.” Aaron pulls him close on the bed once Gavin is finally naked, getting a hand on Gavin’s dick and _fuck_ it feels so so good.

Aaron presses him down into the bed and kisses him hard, licking into his mouth and tangling his other hand in Gavin’s hair. That normally doesn’t do anything for Gavin but tonight he feels it straight to his cock. Aaron moves his hand tantalizingly slow, pay back for Gavin’s earlier teasing and Gavin is shaking apart when he finally comes, Aaron’s slow, even strokes combined with a particularly biting kiss push him over the edge. Aaron licks some of Gavin’s cum off his hand, making somewhat of a show out of it and Gavin throws an arm over his face, closing his eyes.

“Stop,” He whines, “You’re actually going to kill me.”

“It’d be a pretty good way to go,” Aaron muses conversationally, standing up and wandering into Gavin’s en-suite bathroom.

Eyes still closed, Gavin hears the water running and then the bed dips next to him again. Gavin rolls over and presses up against Aaron’s back, pressing open-mouthed kisses down his neck and shoulders. Aaron settles back against Gavin’s chest and sighs contentedly. Gavin listens to Aaron’s breathing rise and fall, and just when he’s sure Aaron has fallen asleep, Aaron quips, “You better fuck me tomorrow morning.”

“Goodnight, Aaron.”


	3. Had So Many Walls, You'd Think I Was a Castle

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Gavin,” Racquelle calls to him from where she’s wiping down a table across the room. “You look happy.”
> 
> Gavin looks up at that, “Do I not normally?”
> 
> “There’s something different today,” She muses, crossing the room to look at him up close.
> 
> “He got laid,” Jenny butts in as she places the lid on the second latte. Gavin chokes and turns to glare at her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry this took so long I actually wrote chapter 4 first and then had to fill the gap with this. rest assured chapter 4 will be up soon! more angst to look forward to, but also some concrete relationship decisions so stay tuned  
> \--  
> title: no vacancy by One Republic   
> \--  
> All mistakes are mine!

“I’m getting too old for this,” Gavin huffs, rolling back onto his own side of the bed scowling as Aaron laughs at him.

Gavin chances a glance at Aaron, who’s sprawled out, limbs tangled in the sheets, streaks of Gavin’s cum and his own decorate his chest. His golden hair is messy, and he looks content. It makes Gavin wants to take a picture to savor this memory for himself. Aaron catches him looking and flexes, smirking.

“Okay, the shower is yours first.” Gavin sits up, bending over the side of the bed to find a pair of boxers.

“You sure you can’t go again?” Aaron asks, moving closer to trace a hand down Gavin’s spine, heading dangerously close to Gavin’s bare ass.

“Yes,” Gavin bats his hand away and stands up. “I’m going to run downstairs and get us some coffee while you shower.”

“Like that?” Aaron teases and Gavin throws a pillow at his head.

“Go shower before you start sticking to things,” Gavin retorts.

He grabs himself a pair of sweats and a t-shirt out of his drawer and throws the same on the bed for Aaron before heading downstairs.

 

It’s not like Gavin doesn’t own a coffee maker, one of his sisters had bought him a Keurig when she last visited, but he prefers the shop at the bottom of his building. It’s a little bit too hipster, just like everything in that part of New York had become, but it’s managed and run by a couple that once told him they really liked him in Hair and he hasn’t been able to stop himself from coming back almost everyday. The bagels and pastries were some of the best he’d ever had and they made the perfect lattes. After ordering two croissants and two lattes, Gavin steps back to look around the café. Jenny, who had married into the business, had once told Gavin that she had a passion for interior design and photography and the industrial style shop was filled with her own photographs.

“Gavin,” Racquelle calls to him from where she’s wiping down a table across the room. “You look happy.”

Gavin looks up at that, “Do I not normally?”

“There’s something different today,” She muses, crossing the room to look at him up close.

“He got laid,” Jenny butts in as she places the lid on the second latte. Gavin chokes and turns to glare at her.

“I-“

“You’re ordering two cups of coffee and you definitely aren’t going out looking like that,” Jenny looks him up and down and grins. “So you definitely have someone in your house and your sisters always come in here when they are here so it’s a dude for sure.”

“She’s really observant,” Gavin comments to Racquelle and picks up his coffees.

“So I’m right?” Jenny smirks and hands him the bag of pastries.

“Maybe,” Gavin lets a small smile spread across his face.

“You should hold onto him,” Racquelle says quietly, tossing the washcloth to her wife behind the counter, “He makes you happy.”

“We’ll see,” Gavin tries not to feel like someone dumped a bucket of ice-cold water over his head, “Thanks ladies!”

As he rides the elevator back up to his apartment, Gavin can’t erase the idea that he might want Aaron to be a permanent fixture in his life and that he’s going to have to deal with Aaron not wanting the same thing quite imminently.

When he reaches his apartment, there’s music coming from inside. He opens the door and Aaron looks up from where he’d fiddling with Gavin’s phone and speakers.   
“I kind of hacked into your phone,” Aaron waves apologetically, “But you should really change your password from 1234.”

Gavin would have more of a problem with this but he’s preoccupied with the way that Aaron looks in his clothes. The sweatpants ride a little bit high on his hips, Gavin’s own legs being slightly longer than Aaron’s. The t-shirt on the other hand, fits a little more snug. The ‘Book of Mormon’ tee stretches across his pecks and fits snuggly across his shoulders. It’s a good look.

“Are you going to bring me that coffee or are you just going to stand there and ogle?” Aaron grins at him, crossing the room to take the coffees from his hand and pressing a kiss to cheek.

Gavin feels slightly winded, thoughts whizzing through his brain at warp speed, the way that Aaron looks in his clothes, the idea of walking in every night to Aaron dancing in his kitchen, what Racquelle had said downstairs. _Was he truly that unhappy without Aaron?_

“Earth to Gavin,” Aaron sips his coffee and frowns at him, “Everything okay?”

“Perfect,” Gavin replies, snapping himself out of his stupor. “Just like that latte.”

Aaron ponders that comment for a second and then nods slowly, “It is very good.”

“Lesbian coffee is the best coffee.” Gavin replies, kicking off his shoes and moving into the kitchen to find some plates and butter.

“Let me guess,” Aaron leans across the breakfast bar, “they complimented something you did or something you wore and now you’re indebted to them permanently.”

“Something like that,” Gavin shrugs, buttering a piece of croissant, “But they do make good croissants.” He holds the piece out to Aaron eats it right from Gavin’s fingers. He lets his tongue trace the pad of Gavin’s thumb before swallowing the croissant. As if that isn’t pornographic enough, the sound that Aaron makes is practically obscene.

“That’s one of the most delicious things I’ve ever eaten.” Aaron reaches for the rest of the croissant. “And I’ve had my fair share of good food.”

Gavin grins knowingly and joins Aaron on the other side of the bar with his food.

“How do you stop yourself from eating one of these for every meal?” Aaron looks at the croissant longingly.

“My director would kill me,” Gavin shrugs and sips his latte. “He already wants me to cut them completely out of my diet.”

“Why? You’re hot.” Aaron looks him up and down. Gavin blushes under his gaze.

“So, I just complimented you, does that mean you’re forever indebted to me?” Aaron says nonchalantly, shoving more croissant into his mouth. He completely misses the way that Gavin’s hand freezes midway to his coffee cup, the way that Gavin’s pulse picks up and how he bites his lip.

Gavin forces out a laugh and takes a sip of his coffee as an answer. Aaron’s eyes flick downwards and he stays quiet until Gavin has forced his breathing to even out again and he can function normally.

“So,” Gavin looks over at where Aaron is busily sipping his latte, “Got any plans for tomorrow night?”

“I think I’m about to,” Aaron smirks.

“Come to my show.” Gavin swivels on the stool to take Aaron’s hand, “I really want you to see it.”

“Yeah, okay.” Aaron smiles, “I’d like that.”

“Great! I’ll get you tickets and you can come backstage after and meet the cast and it will be great!”

“Gavin,” Aaron runs a hand through his hair.

Gavin looks up and he looks so invested in this idea of Aaron coming to his show and Aaron can see the wheels turning in his head, planning out the whole evening. Aaron’s seen this before, when Gavin first approached him about doing Take Me or Leave me. He’s a planner and Aaron doesn’t want to stop him from having this moment. So, instead of asking Gavin if he wanted to talk about the fact that when things get out his control happen he can’t breathe, instead of asking him if he needed help, instead of saying, _am I going to wake up one day and find that you aren’t there?,_ he says, “Want to watch a movie?”

The look on Gavin’s face makes him think everything might actually be okay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you want to rant about the absolute love of my life Gavin Creel or any parts of this story, send me a message at segsysegs on tumblr!


	4. If There's A Chance of Resurrecting A Love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I know you're only protecting yourself  
> I know you're thinking of somebody else  
> Someone who hurt you  
> But I'm not above  
> Making up for the love  
> You've been denying you could ever feel  
> \--  
> “You came!” Gavin cheers, breathless and Aaron can relate to that feeling. Gavin looks like he doesn’t know where to put his hands, doesn’t know how to stop moving and touching people and he finally gets his hands on Aaron, pressing him back into the wall and giving him a bruising kiss.
> 
> “Of course I did.” /We’re dating/ Aaron doesn’t say because ever since Gavin kissed him for the first time, back in their dressing room for miscast, he’s been Gavin’s. He just doesn’t know if Gavin is his yet.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> basically every line that Aaron says in this fic is him saying exactly how i feel about Gavin and it's entirely self-serving. I watched The Book of Mormon online and in the curtain call, Gavin looked so happy and naturally this chapter appeared. It's a little out of character but I love it  
> \--  
> Title and Summary: An Innocent Man by Billy Joel (the whole song fits this story so I just had to throw it in the summary)  
> \--  
> Mistakes are mine

  
When Aaron finds Gavin after the show, Gavin is in his typical post-show high. He’s bouncing around backstage, hugging his cast members, bleeding emotion and passion and it’s the most beautiful thing Aaron has ever seen. Aaron waits patiently off to the side, just watching Gavin interact with the crew. Gavin hasn’t noticed him yet and he doesn’t want to take him away from his castmates so he stays quiet. Once Gavin has hugged seemingly every person in sight, he turns to go to his dressing room.  
“Hey,” Aaron calls to him, pushing off the wall slightly.  
Gavin’s eyes go wide with delight and finally all of that endless energy and vigor is turned on Aaron and he can’t breathe. There’s fire in Gavin’s eyes.  
“You came!” Gavin cheers, breathless and Aaron can relate to that feeling. Gavin looks like he doesn’t know where to put his hands, doesn’t know how to stop moving and touching people and he finally gets his hands on Aaron, pressing him back into the wall and giving him a bruising kiss.  
“Of course I did.” _We’re dating_ Aaron doesn’t say because ever since Gavin kissed him for the first time, back in their dressing room for miscast, he’s been Gavin’s. He just doesn’t know if Gavin is his yet.  
“I’m so happy you’re here,” Gavin hugs him and bounces up and down a little. The adrenaline crash still hasn’t hit, but Aaron has done enough shows to know that the minute Gavin goes to his dressing room and takes his costume off, the high will be gone. Aaron wants to hold onto this version of Gavin for as long as he can. He clings to Gavin, hugging him and laughing when Gavin tries to pull away and finds he can’t move.  
“I have to go get changed,” Gavin chuckles, kissing the top of Aaron’s head.  
“Nah.” Aaron says, “You don’t.”  
“I do! I want to take you on a real date.” Gavin looks down at him longingly.  
Aaron opens his mouth to say _yes fuck anything please_ but he forces it down. Getting his hopes up that Gavin will be up for doing anything other than sleeping once the adrenaline leaves is foolish.  
“Maybe we should do it another night,” Aaron deflects and boom, the crash hits. The light in Gavin’s eyes goes out and he steps back, forcing himself out of Aaron’s grasp.  
“Oh, you don’t want to?” Gavin looks shaken, Aaron braces himself to catch him when the exhaustion fully kicks in. “I thought-“  
“I do!” Aaron tries to reassure him but Gavin is reeling and Aaron feels like he kicked a puppy. “I want to-“  
But Gavin has already turned away, walking quickly towards his dressing room. Aaron follows him at a distance but stays quiet and waits against the opposite wall while Gavin enters his dressing room. It’s silent for a long time and Aaron can’t handle the pressure pushing down on him. He knocks, once.  
“Hello?” Gavin’s schooled, professional voice greets him.  
“Can I come in?” Aaron says through the door.  
The change in Gavin’s tone when he’s realized its Aaron is haunting. “Fine.”  
Slowly, Aaron pushes open the door. Gavin has his back to him, still seated at the mirror and their eyes meet through it. Aaron thinks back to that first night at the awards show, when Gavin was falling apart. It’s not much different now. Gavin looks dejected and lost, still holding a makeup wipe he must have been using to get the foundation off his skin.  
“You’re still here.” Gavin remarks.  
“Yes, I am.” Aaron says firmly, walking forward to rest his hand on Gavin’s shoulder, “You promised me a real date.”  
Gavin laughs coldly but Aaron refuses to give in. “You promised me a real date and I want it.”  
Aaron slides onto Gavin’s lap and wraps his arms around his neck. Gavin’s hands are shaking when he slips them around Aaron’s waist. He still looks somewhat skeptical, walls building up underneath the layer of exhaustion coating his features.  
“I only said we should do it another night because I know you’re so tired after your shows.” Aaron explains, winding his fingers through Gavin’s hair. “I didn’t want to force you to take me out somewhere when clearly you’re fighting a battle with exhaustion and losing.”  
Gavin chuckles softly, but it’s genuine this time. “I just wanted to make it up to you. I’m always so busy and I’m sorry.”  
“Oh my god Gavin,” Aaron shakes him slightly, “If you’d seen yourself tonight, if you saw the way that everyone out there sees you, if you watched the way you light up inside after you perform, you would never apologize to anyone again for being busy.”  
Gavin ducks bashfully.  
“I want you to be busy, I want you to be on stage every night. You’re happy when you’re on stage. And you’re the most beautiful person I’ve ever seen when you’re happy.” Aaron continues, “And also when you aren’t but that’s not my point.”  
Gavin laughs and leans in to kiss Aaron, who pushes him back, “I’m not done!”  
Gavin puts his hands up and gestures for him to continue. “I have to say this now, or I won’t be able to get it out again. I want you. I want to wake up next to you and get coffee on your way to the theatre. I want to see your shows a million times and I want to wait for you backstage. I want to live off your adrenaline high and I want to fit in dates when we can. But I don’t care if you’re busy or if we don’t go on any ‘real dates,” he makes quotations, “I just want you.”  
Aaron leans down and presses his lips to Gavin’s. He’s not ready to handle what Gavin has to say. Gavin blinks at him, like people haven’t told him that before, like he doesn’t know how wonderful he is. Aaron isn’t ready to deal with the consequences of his words so he stands up and busies himself looking at things in Gavin’s dressing room and not overthinking things at all.  
“Are you just going to walk away?” Gavin asks from where he still has not moved in his chair.  
“Are you just going to follow that confession up with silence?” Aaron bites back.  
“I want that too.” Gavin says quietly, “I want to wake up next to you, I want to have your stupid pop music stuck in my head. I want to perform every night with my boyfriend in the audience. And I want to go on dates with you.”  
Aaron waits; he can sense that there’s more.  
“But I’m so fucking terrified of the ending.” Gavin finishes and occupies himself with getting the last of the mascara off of his lashes.  
Aaron goes to him and sits down, clinging to Gavin, trying to convey to him that he’s terrified too but he wants it enough to not care. Gavin seems to be waiting with bated breath so Aaron just flat out says it, “I want it enough that I don’t care about the ending.”  
And truly, Aaron doesn’t know how an ending as bad as what Gavin had with Jonathan feels. Aaron doesn’t know what it’s like to devote yourself to someone the way Gavin did and then for it all to go away. Nothing in his life has ever meant enough to him to care this much, no previous relationship ever felt this good before it had even truly started. Aaron just wants.  
Then, since Aaron is really his own greatest enemy, he says, “How about you sleep on it.”  
Gavin seems to finally breathe again and he presses his lips to Aaron’s cheek. “Okay.”  
Aaron tries not to feel like he’s just emptied his heart out to the wrong person and makes sure Gavin is in a cab headed home before he takes the subway back to his own place. If he drowns his sorrows in a carton of ice cream before he goes to sleep, no one besides him will ever know.  
  
There’s a knock on Aaron’s front door and it’s 4 am. Aaron plans on just falling back asleep but sometimes Ruth, his elderly neighbor, forgets her keys and he has a spare one so he forces himself out of bed, not bothering to throw on anything except a pair of boxers. Ruth is practically blind anyway. He turns on the light at the door and grabs Ruth’s spare key off the hook. When he opens the door however, it’s not Ruth. It’s Gavin, pale as a ghost, dressed in a simple hoodie and sweatpants. He has a bottle of wine in one hand and, the guilt written on his face, plus the idea of wine, is enough to make Aaron step back and let him inside.  
Instead of, why the fuck are you here it’s 4 am, Aaron goes for a little bit more civil of a response and asks, “How did you get here? And what 24 hour liquor store did you find that at?”  
Gavin looks down at the bottle in his hand and only now seems to realize that he did indeed bring wine to his boyfriend’s? house at 4 am. He looks at Aaron helplessly.  
“Are you drunk?” Aaron asks, looking back cautiously. He just wants to go back to bed, and preferably, take Gavin there with him.  
“No.” Gavin rubs a hand over his face.  
“Then could you please tell me why the fuck you are here in my apartment at 4 am?” So much for civil.  
“I’m here because,” Gavin steels himself and then continues, “Because you deserve someone who doesn’t have to sleep on the idea of dating you.”  
Aaron’s heart starts up again, and it’s beating too quickly this time.  
“I don’t need to sleep on the idea of dating you, I know what I want.” Gavin continues, “And what I want is to wake up next to you every morning. I want that so badly that even if one day, I woke up and you weren’t there, I think I could still be okay after.”  
Aaron beams at him and Gavin looks relieved. He strides over to Aaron’s counter and sets down the wine before pulling Aaron close.  
“Here’s an idea,” Aaron pitches, making himself comfortable in Gavin’s embrace, “We just never break up.”  
Gavin just kisses him.  
“So about that ‘real date,” Aaron says quietly a while later, “How about, tomorrow night, I cook dinner and open this bottle of wine and when your show is done, if there’s any wine left, you can have some with me.”  
Gavin laughs, wholesome and open and Aaron’s heart swells. “You’re an ass.”  
“But I’m yours.” Aaron winks.  
“Damn right you are.” Gavin smirks and then yawns.  
“Time for bed,” Aaron decides, “Again.”  
“I’m sorry-“  
“Stop, I’m glad you woke me up at 4 am to confess your desire for me.” Aaron grins and then all but drags Gavin to bed.  
  
Aaron lies in Gavin’s arms, half-asleep, observing Gavin’s breathing. When he’s sure that Gavin has fallen asleep, the steady rise and fall of his chest coming slower, Aaron whispers to the room, “Goodnight Boyfriend.”  
He feels a press of lips against his neck, “Goodnight Boyfriend.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Come chat on Tumblr! (Segsysegs)


	5. You Put the Art in Heartbreak

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gavin moves to the coffee maker and pours him a mug. “I didn’t know you were interested in doing TV.”  
> “Yeah well, there’s a lot you don’t know about me.” Jonathan bites out and Gavin flinches as though he’s been hit. The comment stings but he tries to push it away as he turns and hands Jonathan the mug. Jonathan’s face is unreadable, façade of blank, emotionless expression coming up against Gavin’s searching eyes. He’s been doing that more and more lately.  
> \--  
> How Jon and Gavin became a couple and then became separate entities.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm not really sure how this fits but it's a flashback of sorts, basically the backstory of Gavin and Jon's relationship. Hopefully it'll give more context to the future chapters but really I also just wanted to write this. this is like 2000+ words of sadness  
> \--  
> Andrew Rannells is the best friend anyone could have i think  
> \--  
> title: Art of Heartbreak by Gavin Creel (if you have not listened to Goodtimenation, you need to do so rn especially this song)  
> \--  
> all mistakes are mine and i'm sure there will be some  
> \--  
> I LOVE JON GROFF OKAY I DON'T LIKE WRITING BAD THINGS ABOUT HIM BUT I HAVE TO DON'T HURT ME  
> \--  
> the timeline might be a bit off but I think it's pretty accurate

Gavin wakes up, head pounding and reaches across the bed, which he finds is empty, _again._ Drowsily, he sits up and reaches for the bottle of water that he left next to his pillow last night. The bottle is gone, as is the aspirin on the side table, which he got for himself. Gavin sighs loud enough that he hopes Jonathan can hear it from wherever he is in the cramped apartment. The sigh doesn’t earn him a response, so he gets out of bed to investigate. It’s in the kitchen that he finds a hastily scribbled letter that is clearly Jon’s handwriting.

_Had to run out, be back later <3 _

It’s typical Jon, Gavin thinks, always on the go. He’s got a million and one things to do between shows and interviews and he’s always gone. Gavin moves slower, maybe it’s his age, but he’d rather actually wake up in the morning before he starts moving. He can’t fault Jon for it, though. He admires the way that his boyfriend is always striving to get the next part or record the next hit single. He just wishes that maybe Jon would consider being there when Gavin went to sleep or when he woke up in the morning. They’d both gone out the night before, but Gavin had left well before Jon, who claimed that he was having too much fun to possibly call it a night. If Gavin really thinks about it, which he tries not to, he never really has fun when they go out. But he refuses to read into it too much. Jonathan really is a wonder and Gavin doesn’t want to worry about him moving on to bigger and better things. Still, every night it’s getting harder and harder to push those thoughts away. Especially when there’s no evidence, besides the note clutched in his hand, that Jonathan even came home last night. Eager for distraction, Gavin pads into the living room and turns on the TV. The buzzing of people talking fills the room and it quells his thoughts enough that he can go make coffee in peace. He’s just sitting down to turn on something from his Netflix queue to go with his mug of coffee when the key turns in the lock and the door swings open to reveal Jonathan in all his glory. Gavin abandons his coffee on the coffee table and leans into the front entryway, which is practically also the kitchen. Once one of them lands a starring role, maybe they’ll find a new apartment that actually has enough space for the both of them. Maybe a dog too.

“Where did you go at this early hour?” Gavin asks casually as Jonathan busies himself with taking off his shoes and jacket. It’s early January and the New York air is biting cold.

“I had an interview. And it’s 11:30, Gavin.”

“Oh what was it for?” Gavin looks at Jonathan who finally stops moving around and sighs.

“Is this an interrogation?”

“No, I’m just curious-“  
“It was for a TV show.” Jonathan interrupts and then promptly changes the subject, “Is there coffee for me?”

Gavin moves to the coffee maker and pours him a mug. “I didn’t know you were interested in doing TV.”

“Yeah well, there’s a lot you don’t know about me.” Jonathan bites out and Gavin flinches as though he’s been hit. The comment stings but he tries to push it away as he turns and hands Jonathan the mug. Jonathan’s face is unreadable, façade of blank, emotionless expression coming up against Gavin’s searching eyes. He’s been doing that more and more lately.

Gavin really doesn’t want to fight but he can’t help the retort that follows, “Maybe if you were ever home.”

Jonathan takes a long drink of his coffee and meets Gavin’s probing gaze momentarily and then sets down the mug, standing up. “I’m going to take a shower.”

“Jon-“

“Don’t, Gavin.” Jonathan responds flatly and walks out of the room.

Gavin has never been the kind of guy to throw things, he rarely gets mad. Instead the emotion overwhelms him and he sits down hard on the kitchen floor, willing the tears from his eyes in case Jonathan were to come out. He doesn’t and eventually, it’s too much for Gavin to take and the tears fall onto the worn shirt of Jonathan’s that he’s slept in every night since they met.

\--

When they’d first met, Gavin was attracted to Jonathan’s eager, flirtatious nature. Jonathan was gorgeous and made of sin and the way that he pushed Gavin, nearly 10 years his elder, up against the wall to kiss him, exuding a confidence that Gavin knew he’d never get enough of, pulled Gavin into his orbit. Jonathan cared about the same things as Gavin too, let Gavin drag him to all of the LGBT rallies that he desired and played the perfect advocate’s boyfriend, marching in the parades and handing out buttons and flags to all of the participants. It had made Gavin fall even harder. And then, the perfect life that Gavin had always dreamed of broke apart. The flirting that once had Gavin on his knees nightly became turned on other guys that they met. Going to the bar with Jonathan stopped being going to the bar _with_ him. When they went out at night, Gavin was simply lucky enough to be within arms distance of _Jonathan Groff_. He was a dancing wet dream, and Gavin wasn’t the only one who thought so. Naturally, Gavin stopped going out as much, and Jonathan started going out more. Between Jonathan looking for starring roles and Gavin’s new found Hair related fame, the separation started driving a wedge between them. And Gavin wasn’t sure if Jonathan was willing to stop it.

\--

Gavin has managed to pull himself somewhat together by the time Jonathan is forced to set foot in the main part of the apartment. He doesn’t look Jon in the eyes as they pass, Gavin headed to change. He needs to get out of the apartment and if he leaves now, he’ll only be about an hour early for call for that night’s show. Jonathan touches Gavin’s shoulder as he passes but opening his mouth is not a good idea so Gavin keeps walking.

“Gavin, don’t be like this-“

Gavin closes the bedroom door in response.

 

The only thing that gets Gavin through the performance that night is that Andrew is in the audience and when he comes backstage, he hugs Gavin for longer than usual. A comfortable silence stretches between them and Gavin tries not to flat out cling to him. Andrew orders takeout as he drives them home and when Andrew misses the turn to Gavin’s apartment and keeps driving towards his own place, Gavin lets out a breath that he didn’t know he was holding.

 

“You need to eat, Gavin.” Andrew says quietly. They’re both seated on the sofa, Clue paused on the screen. Gavin’s food has gone cold and he stares blankly ahead, leaning his head against Andrew’s shoulder.

“I’m not hungry.”

“You are. You’ll feel better if you eat.” Andrew rubs his back slowly, “Come on, just a piece of the pizza. For me?”

Gavin sighs and lets Andrew put a piece of pizza into his hand and takes a bite. His stomach churns as he swallows.

“Okay, what are we going to do about Jon?” Andrew looks at him as he chews, “Because whatever is going on with you is not good.”

“We aren’t doing anything.” Gavin says resolutely, “I’ll be fine.”

“You won’t be. You need to get mad and hold him accountable.”  
“I don’t get mad-“  
“No you get depressed.” Andrew says flatly, “And that’s not doing you or him any favors.”

“I don’t want to be mad at him. I- I love him.”

Andrew goes quiet and Gavin eats more pizza to occupy himself. He doesn’t want to hear what Andrew is about to say.

“What if he doesn’t love you?” Andrew asks; he’s always been blunt, Gavin likes that. But right now he can’t bring himself to hear what Andrew is saying, can’t bring himself to think that Andrew might be correct.

Andrew stands up in Gavin’s silence and clears away his plate and the extra pizza, leaving Gavin’s there with two uneaten pieces.

“Do you want me to drive you home?” Andrew questions quietly, crouching down in front of Gavin to meet his eyes. “If not, the couch is yours.”

“I don’t want to go back.” Gavin decides eventually, and Andrew nods, straightening up to go find a blanket.

When he returns, he kisses the top of Gavin’s head. “You deserve to be happy, Gav.” _You deserve better_ he doesn’t say, because he knows that Gavin thinks Jonathan is the best person to walk the planet. That’s a huge part of the problem but Andrew has held Gavin as he’s fallen apart too many times and he doesn’t want it to happen again tonight. “Everything will be okay.”

\--

Everything is not okay. Gavin goes home the next morning and there’s a different pair of shoes in the entryway. Not his, and not Jonathan’s.

“He slept on the couch,” Jonathan defends as Gavin meets Nathan in the kitchen, drinking from his mug.

“Okay.” Gavin says dumbly and turns to walk away.

“Uh, I’m going to go.” Nathan sets down the mug, _Gavin’s mug_ , and gives Gavin an awkward wave, which isn’t returned.

“He’s married.” Jonathan adds, as if that’s a good enough reason that Jonathan didn’t bring him home to fuck him after he received Gavin’s text that he was staying over at Andrew’s.

“Great.”

“For fuck’s sake, Gavin.”

That stops Gavin in his tracks and he turns to find, not the wall of passiveness that has been built around Jon for the last month, but instead a ball of rage and anger and it’s all directed at Gavin. Gavin steps back, as if Jonathan is about to shoot flames from his extremities. That would have been better than what comes out of Jonathan’s mouth.

“Why can’t you just feel something?” Jonathan asks, voice rising on every word. “Why can’t you react like a normal person?”

“What do you mean, I-“  
“Only you would not even bat an eyelash when I bring a guy home when you aren’t here. Only you would give one word answers to something as catastrophic as this.” Jonathan is screaming now and the blood is rushing in Gavin’s ears. He can’t breathe and he’s going to pass out if he doesn’t sit down, if Jonathan doesn’t stop yelling. “I had to bring a guy home one night just to see if you could show any emotion, but you don’t, you still don’t.”

Gavin wants to get mad, he wants to fight back and scream and tell Jonathan that he’s loved him from day one and it’s Jon who doesn’t feel, who doesn’t express, who doesn’t let Gavin in beyond one or two layers. Instead, he sinks to his knees, the room spinning and caving in around him and he can’t _breathe_.

All of a sudden, Jon goes quiet and then golden arms wrap around Gavin’s shoulders. “Breathe, breathe.” Jon whispers against his neck, “Breathe baby, come on.”

Despite the lack of oxygen, Gavin’s brain dully registers that the man with his arms around Gavin, trying to stop his panic attack, is the man who just screamed until he was hoarse. But Gavin’s chest is so, so tight and he needs Jonathan to help him so he forces the thoughts down. Instead, everything comes up. Gavin’s stomach clenches once and he turns away from Jon as the pizza from last night and this morning’s coffee comes up all over the carpet. He cries out softly, but the air comes back into his lungs and he gulps it down. Jon has taken a couple steps back.  
“I’ll call the carpet cleaner.” Jon says quietly and walks back into the kitchen.  
“I’m so sorry,” Gavin moans. His brain realizes afterwards, as he lies in a post-panic haze on the scratchy carpet, that he’s the one who ended up apologizing after all of this, after being screamed at, and potentially cheated on, he was the one who said sorry. Andrew might have been right.

\--

The next morning, once Gavin has cleaned up as much as he could and the carpet cleaners have come and gone, Jonathan tells him that he got the role on TV. He’s going to be on Glee and this is big for them, they can move out, maybe get a house. Gavin knows they won’t make it that far and he’s starting to avoid conversations with Jon, starting to back out of the room when they’re together to avoid the inevitable. When Jon says that he has to go to LA to film, the images from that horrible night fill Gavin’s head. The glitter in Jon’s hair that matches the glitter on Nathan’s face and on their bed. He can just imagine what could happen, half way across the country, where Gavin’s side of the bed doesn’t even exist to avoid. He throws up again, and sobs into Andrew’s chest the night that Jonathan leaves.

\--

Jon comes back for a few days in between shooting and the silence between them at the coffee shop where they meet between Gavin’s morning rehearsal and the evening performance is palpable.

“I got another role, in London.” Jon says between bites of the Danish on his plate.

“Wow.” Gavin can’t find the words to say what he needs to, “That’s great.”

“Is it really?” Jon looks sad, almost remorseful. It’s the most emotion Gavin has seen from him in a long time.  
“It’s good for your career. The people in London, they’ll love you.” Gavin looks above Jon’s coiffed hair and tan skin. _I love you._

“And what about us?” Jonathan asks his coffee cup.

Gavin stays silent, contemplating his next move. If Andrew was here, he’d be blunt and tell Jon that there is no _us_ anymore. That Jon threw that all away when he moved to LA and didn’t talk to Gavin for weeks.

“Is there still an us?” Gavin eventually asks.

“I-“

“I haven’t been with anyone else since you left.” Gavin tells him, and it’s almost a self-righteous thing because he knows Jon has been and it’s something he can hold over Jon. Except it isn’t nice to hold it over Jon because ultimately it’s Gavin who’s paying the price for being loyal.

Jon doesn’t reply to that.

“Hair is closing soon. I could come down to LA for a bit when it’s done.” Gavin offers.

“I don’t know.” Jon says.

“Is this it?” Gavin asks quietly, “Are you done with me?”

Jon looks at him searchingly, “Done with you?”

“I knew this day would come.” Gavin sighs, “Is it because you found someone in LA or because I was boring you?”

Jon looks startled and tries to defend himself, “It’s not that-“

“Did you upgrade to a younger model, one that can show emotion?”

“Gavin, stop.” Jon’s hand reaches for his across the table. Gavin goes silent.

“I love you, I really do.” Jon says faintly, “But I don’t know if this is going to work out.”

Gavin stands up and walks to Jon’s side of the table. “I have always loved you, Jon.” He leans in and presses his lips to Jon’s forehead, “Good luck in London.”

He walks out of the coffee place and texts Andrew, **I did it. Come to the show tonight?**

 **Of course** he gets back immediately.

 

Gavin performs his heart out on stage and fucking gives it to the audience in the boxes, throwing himself into his character and screaming out his frustration in song. Andrew stands up and screams loudly during the curtain call, Gavin can pick him out of the crowd. It hurts, his heart hurts so badly and when the show is over, he curls into a ball on Andrew’s bed and sobs until he falls asleep in Andrew’s arms.

\--

Two days later he gets the call to London for The Book of Mormon. He doesn’t tell Jon.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for reading my angst!

**Author's Note:**

> All mistakes are mine. Thoughts?  
> Next chapter should be up soon, as I'm working on it now.


End file.
